Kiss
Puke
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
