Michael Bay diarrhea
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
