if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
