remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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