My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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