Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
