I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
