I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
