She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize