i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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