just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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