I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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