If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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