my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize