The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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