i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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