Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
