I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
