this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
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i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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