he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
