just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
