I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
