Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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