It's like God shit irony all over that family
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
