why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
