we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
