I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
