i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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