hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
