those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
