First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
