I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
