I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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