I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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