I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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