FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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