just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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