Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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