If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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