can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
