There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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