Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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