I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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