I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
