Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
