im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
