so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
