11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
