My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
