My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
