M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
