When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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