you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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