Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
