its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
